November was a tough one. At some point, around the middle or end of the month I wrote a long post, laying in bed one night, beside my sleeping toddler about all that I was feeling and going through, and then, it disappeared. The app froze, and the unsaved draft disappeared into the technological black hole. It had felt so good to write it all out, and to put my feelings in order, and I looked forward to posting it – and then it was gone. My heart sank and I went to sleep, knowing I’d probably never get to recreate it. Even though the moment has passed, and H and I, refreshed from the holidays, are doing much better now, I’d like to revisit a bit of what was in that lost post. I think it may be a fitting start to 2012.
Toddlers can be tough. They can be adorable and fun and amazing. But they can also be tough. And being at home with my toddler about 12 hours each day while my wife works, in a month of what seemed to be the never-ending family head cold from hell, made for a difficult November. I was doing a crap job of coping, and of being the mom I know I can be. I was losing my patience with H way too often for doing perfectly age-appropriate (though annoying) things. I was yelling at him, I was crying, I was so, so tired. It wasn’t pretty. I knew something had to change, and it wasn’t going to be H. He is a toddler, and he is going to do what toddlers do. That is his job. Something had to change in me.
I thought back to our blissful little baby days. When I would just look at H in wonder and feel the love well up inside me. I would watch him sleep. I would breathe him in when I wore him on neighborhood strolls. I was delighted to be in his company alone each and every day. What had changed? How did I get to the point of losing my patience with him on a daily basis? Of being too distracted with trying to get through to the end of the day with everyone fed and the house not a total disaster to take a moment to soak him up and appreciate him? I started to think that maybe I was losing sight of the way that I wanted to parent. As a newborn, there was little else to do with H than simply wait for his cues and meet his needs. I was totally tuned into him. Had I gotten out of tune? It seemed so.
I knew we were facing a long winter ahead. Tax season for C was looming - I knew I had to get it together before H and I were to be on our own 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. I decided I had to get back in tune with my child. I had to get back to that newborn mom attitude and apply it to our toddler troubles. I thought about it a lot. I needed a paradigm shift. Maybe I needed to face each day, thinking, what does H need from me, rather than what do I need from him? As in, he needs me to play and be fully engaged with him for a while, so that he can then play on his own for a bit while I make lunch, rather than I need him to play on his own for five freaking minutes, and I need him to take a good nap so I can get things done, etc. Maybe I just needed to think a little differently.
I resolved to do better. I knew I could not be perfect. I knew there would always still be difficult days. Toddlers push boundaries. They cling. They explore. They whine. They demand. They stand at your feet and yell, “Mamamamamamama!” And that is okay. Sometimes I will lose my patience. But I will do better. I will feel better. I will be better.
I told myself this again and again.
And you know? It helped. As soon as I started to change my thinking, I did start to feel better. I certainly still lose my patience, and we absolutely still have a bad morning or afternoon now and again. But I am doing better.
I am once again finding myself welling up just looking at him, in disbelief that I get to call this amazing little human being my own. He is so delightful sometimes it hurts. And it feels so good to have those moments again.
So for 2012, my hope is to continue to do better. To continue to be a better mom, a better wife, and be better to myself.
Happy New Year.
