Toddlers can be tough. They can be adorable and fun and amazing. But they can also be tough.  And being at home with my toddler about 12 hours each day while my wife works, in a month of what seemed to be the never-ending family head cold from hell, made for a difficult November.  I was doing a crap job of coping, and of being the mom I know I can be.  I was losing my patience with H way too often for doing perfectly age-appropriate (though annoying) things.  I was yelling at him, I was crying, I was so, so tired. It wasn’t pretty.  I knew something had to change, and it wasn’t going to be H. He is a toddler, and he is going to do what toddlers do. That is his job.  Something had to change in me.

I thought back to our blissful little baby days.  When I would just look at H in wonder and feel the love well up inside me.  I would watch him sleep. I would breathe him in when I wore him on neighborhood strolls. I was delighted to be in his company alone each and every day.  What had changed?  How did I get to the point of losing my patience with him on a daily basis? Of being too distracted with trying to get through to the end of the day with everyone fed and the house not a total disaster to take a moment to soak him up and appreciate him?  I started to think that maybe I was losing sight of the way that I wanted to parent.  As a newborn, there was little else to do with H than simply wait for his cues and meet his needs.  I was totally tuned into him.  Had I gotten out of tune? It seemed so.

I knew we were facing a long winter ahead.  Tax season for C was looming - I knew I had to get it together before H and I were to be on our own 12 hours a day, 6 days a week.  I decided I had to get back in tune with my child.  I had to get back to that newborn mom attitude and apply it to our toddler troubles.  I thought about it a lot.  I needed a paradigm shift.  Maybe I needed to face each day, thinking, what does H need from me, rather than what do I need from him?  As in, he needs me to play and be fully engaged with him for a while, so that he can then play on his own for a bit while I make lunch, rather than I need him to play on his own for five freaking minutes, and I need him to take a good nap so I can get things done, etc.  Maybe I just needed to think a little differently.

I resolved to do better.  I knew I could not be perfect. I knew there would always still be difficult days.  Toddlers push boundaries. They cling.  They explore. They whine. They demand.  They stand at your feet and yell, “Mamamamamamama!” And that is okay.  Sometimes I will lose my patience.  But I will do better. I will feel better. I will be better.

I told myself this again and again.

And you know? It helped.  As soon as I started to change my thinking, I did start to feel better.  I certainly still lose my patience, and we absolutely still have a bad morning or afternoon now and again.  But I am doing better.

I am once again finding myself welling up just looking at him, in disbelief that I get to call this amazing little human being my own.  He is so delightful sometimes it hurts.  And it feels so good to have those moments again.

So for 2012, my hope is to continue to do better. To continue to be a better mom, a better wife, and be better to myself.

Happy New Year.

And then, Chrismukkostlice arrived! And with it, joy.

H has been so much fun this holiday season. Seeing him tear into gifts with light up with surprise. Watching the mutual lovefest between him and our families. Sharing traditions with him in a way that gives them new meaning. Rocking out to holiday tunes with him. There has just been so much good.

When we did our Xmas morning with him (a week early because we were out of town for the actual day), my heart was so full, it could have burst. I knew he would “get it” more this year, but I did not anticipate how fun it would be to watch him gleefully rip open his gifts and start using and enjoying them immediately.

Joy, joy, joy.

We needed that.

And now here we are.

H is such a little man. He has his quirks, preferences and habits. He is becoming more and more his own little dude with each passing day.

He loves dogs, hats, and vehicles (planes, trucks, cars, tractors… If it goes “vroom,” he loves it). Hearing a neighborhood dog bark outside can mean the end of mealtime. Leaving the house means deciding on the perfect hat to wear. And planes in the sky, or trucks driving by are cause to halt all activity and LOOK!

He is nodding and shaking his head for yes and no very consistently, which, combined with his small arsenal of words and signs make actual conversations possible with him. Having my first conversations with the tiny human I grew in my very own belly?? Mind. Blown.

Just for my own desire to remember, I’ll list his words and signs as of this date:

Spoken words - uh oh, ball, dog, vroom (for vehicles), bubbles, buh-bye, banana (sounds like balala – adorable), down, roar (lion), moo (cow)
Signs - milk, please, more, eat, drink, all done, music (he made that one up – just waves his fist in the air)

Also, he’s starting to parrot us a bit. I think I’ve heard him mimic: turtle, knock knock, choo choo, and a few others that I can’t remember – but I’m not sure since he’s never repeated them!

Physically, the baby is gone. G-o-n-e. He runs. He twirls. He tries to jump. He climbs. He throws and kicks balls. He crawls up and down steps. He dances and even tries to do the hokey pokey (I DIE every time of the cuteness).

H is keeping me on my toes, that’s for sure. He is getting into everything and always wants to PLAY PLAY PLAY with MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY. He is determined and opinionated and would like things his way or the highway, thankyouverymuch. The trademark kicking and screaming tantrums of toddlerhood have arrived! Though, to his credit, they are not at all excessive.

He is a full-time job and a half these days.

So full of energy and smiles.

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If I had a dollar for every time I said that one…

For two weeks now, we’ve been in hardcore teething mode. Increased night waking (even some backpedaling on our nightweaning), daytime fussiness, decreased interest in food, increased interest in nursing, very increased interest in being physically attached to Mommy. It is H’s preference to be no more than inches away from me for no more than 10 minutes at a time.

As tough as it’s been for me, I really do feel awful for H. His gums have been so swollen – it looks terribly uncomfortable.

So we’re doing lots of snuggle time. At home he likes to curl up together and read books. On the go, we keep the car time short, and I wear him as much as I can. When running errands, we take breaks for nursing as needed. At night, painkillers and snuggles.

I can’t imagine how much harder these teething days would be were it not for nursing and toddler wearing. Both have been such a comfort for H.

We have managed to have some fun too. One day, I was wearing H in a front carry in our mei tai while cooking (something we haven’t done in months – my toddler likes to be on the move at home!) and listening to toddler tunes. The hokey pokey came on and I was dancing along and singing and moving H’s arms and legs along with the songs. H found the whole thing hilarious and was smiling wide and giggling heartily. As I continued with my cooking, he held onto me, kept looking up at me with those sweet eyes, and gave me sweet little kisses over and over.

You know, as I read back over that last paragraph, teething doesn’t sound that bad.

Remind me of that delightful anecdote tonight at 3 AM, when I’m fumbling in the dark for the baby advil.

Hi. Greetings from the Toddlercoaster. The loop-the-loop ride that is the main attraction in Toddlerville. And what a ride it is!

There is so much to say about life with H these days. The last couple of weeks or so, I finally feel like I’m starting to get used to the ride. The transition from baby to toddlerhood hasn’t always been a smooth one for us, that’s for sure!

I feel like when H was born and I began my tenure as a stay at home mom, many people expected for me to need all kinds of help, and be run ragged, and feel overwhelmed. That wasn’t the experience that I had. Sure, there were challenges, but for the most part, the baby days were a delight. The arival of a newborn in my life was a joy, the arrival of a toddler in my life was more of a mixed bag. Recently, feeling overwhelmed, run ragged and in need of help are all in a day’s work!

I know that everything we are going through is normal. Any and everything I’ve read about this age (between about 1 and 1.5 years), says that it can be challenging for parents. H is doing exactly what he is supposed to be doing developmentally. He is alternating between flexing his independence and relishing in exploration, and running back to my arms, craving mommymommymommy for reassurance that all this new exciting stuff is okay.

Back in July, I said that pretty much everything had changed for H. Well, everything was changing for me too. And it’s been difficult to adjust. Suddenly my routines for getting myself ready in the morning, cooking dinner, and completing most household chores just plain didn’t work anymore. I found myself trying to figure out new strategies for doing “my stuff,” while simultaneously trying to adjust to H’s new needs – like his transition from two naps to one, his need for more solid food (when, how much, etc, etc), and his unpredictable swings between neediness and independence. Oh, and did I mention he was waking a ton at night? I was beginning to be stressed and tired on a level I had not yet experienced as a parent.

The good news is, it got better.

There are still difficulties. H takes one afternoon nap at a pretty predictable time, though he sometimes has trouble getting or staying asleep. He is now eating solid foods regularly and in increasing amounts, though sometimes we have typical toddler pickiness issues. He has made strides in his nighttime sleep (with the help of some mommy-led nightweaning), but there is still work to be done. I’ve changed my morning routine, and started planning meals to cook during naptime. Fitting in all the housework I’d like to doesn’t always happen. And somewhere along the way, H started leaning more towards independence and less towards clinginess. Over the past couple of weeks I’ve seen him play, wildly, joyfully, completely on his own on many occasions. I’ve also found somewhat of a rhythm to his new needs. I try to keep a good balance between snuggly time, engaged with mommy play time, and free-range running wild time.

So that that’s the view from two weeks ago. These days, I’m on a whole new ride – the Teething Toddler Tipsy-Turner. More on that soon.

C described him as “stoic” throughout the experience.

He just sat there calmly and quietly…

Though he did seem very suspicious and not at all pleased!

And in the end, he was a teenager.

I think he likes it.

Over the past month or so, pretty much everything has changed for H.  He has a later bed (and rise!) time. He dropped from two naps to one. He is walking. He is talking. He is communicating more nonverbally (through signing, gesture, etc). He is dancing. He is eating little snacks out of little toddler snack cups. He is climbing playground play structures. We even converted his crib to a toddler bed.

It’s been a lot for both of us to cope with!  But I think that now we are both settling in to our new normal quite well.  It’s so fun to interact with him in different ways, and share new experiences together.

Sometimes I look at him, toddling around, and I just can’t believe it.  It is fun and amazing, but a part of me can’t help but feel a little sad that he’ll never again be a wee baby, just nursing and napping and cooing all day.  That baby time goes by So. Freaking. Fast.  I’m so glad that I held him, snuggled him, napped with him, and breathed in his baby smell as much as I did.

Snuggly baby H, June 2010

Now, I’m treasuring the sounds of his first words and the sights of his new physical feats.  What an incredible adventure, watching a little person grow.